Could Have Been Colder
by craycrayforbenson
Summary: Olivia isn't in the right mind, and starts self medicating.


AN: Please read and review. Enjoy!

The flashbacks had been coming for weeks on end, Olivia was used to them. They had stopped momentarily, but the stress of the trial combined with her promotion proved to be just too overwhelming. She was drinking more, hating herself with every sip she took. Praying that she wouldn't end up like her mother. There was no use in praying, it was a waste of time. Whatever God was up there didn't hear her. There wasn't much use in sleeping either. Lewis was a nightmare that followed her to her dreams, taunting her every night. The only thing Olivia could do was keep moving. Staying in motion helped block the pain, even if it was only temporary. Motion and alcohol were Olivia's greatest friends, her only friends.

Dr. Lindstrom suggested Olivia make more frequent visits to his office. She was aware that he had noticed her downward spiral. She had disappointed him. But the disenchant he felt for her, didn't compare to the disappointment she felt for herself. She had been making so much progress. Olivia knew great challenges were ahead, but she didn't know it would be this hard. Hard was an understatement. Every moment was a constant battle. A battle that could only be won with a glass of wine.

So now Olivia found herself stuck between going to her scheduled therapy appointment or flaking to get drunk in the back of her squad car.

She didn't want to go see him, but Brian called to remind her and like clockwork every night, whether he was home or not, he either called or asked in person how therapy was. It was infuriating at times, but she knew he asked because he genuinely cared. Olivia didn't want to show too much of herself because then she would become vulnerable. And being vulnerable made getting hurt a lot easier, and hell it hurt so much more too. The best thing to do was always keep her guard up. Because even though she and Brian had a strong relationship and it was obvious just how crazy he was about her, a small part of her was still afraid he would hurt her. Just like all the other men before him.

Olivia walked into intimidating office, hating every step of the way. Her eyes briefly met Dr. Lindstrom's before she took a seat on one of his office chairs.

"Good afternoon Olivia. How are feeling?"

Olivia shifted uncomfortably in her seat before speaking.

"I'm feeling good I guess." She was feeling just as nervous as she did the day she first began therapy.

"What's wrong?" Dr. Lindstrom asked.

"What isn't wrong?" Olivia said flatly.

"Last time we spoke you mentioned you've been drinking a lot more often." Their session had just begun and they were already stepping in uncharted territory.

"I was actually going to blow you off. I almost wish I had." Olivia sighed in exasperation her annoyance evident, "I don't want to talk about my drinking problem." The words slipped from her mouth and she immediately regretted them.

"It's a problem now?" Dr. Lindstrom inquired. Olivia dismissed his question, and rolled her eyes. "Tell me about your flashbacks."

Olivia closed her eyes letting her mind fill with the memories of her last night with Lewis.

_He was down handcuffed to the bedframe, looking just as broken and helpless as Olivia felt. Her stomatch threatened to betray her and she held in the vomit as she paced back and forth thinking just how she was going to enact her revenge. She hadn't had anything nourishing to eat in four days, the pills he gave her, gave her cotton mouth and the alcohol he forced down her throat didn't soothe it. As much as she wanted to kill him, the desire to find food was almost too much. But then Lewis groaned a gruff noise that made her skin crawl. He was becoming conscious again, his presence making all thoughts of food disappear. She pulled her gun from her side, aiming it as head before she began speaking._

_"See you know what to do. Your whole life, you know what you want and you just do it." When the words left her mouth she realized just how true they were. She was envious of Lewis' ability to just do what he wanted, unlike her. He acted on his impulses, good or bad. He didn't worry about the consequences or how his actions would hurt other people. He was a sick, twisted man, yet she was incredibly jealous of him. "What I want to do. I want to shoot you in the head right now. Watch you bleed out. Maybe that's too easy. My old partner he'd know what to do. He wouldn't question himself after what you've done. He would, kick your teeth in. Break your legs, break arms, break your back, break your face. Maybe I should call him. Maybe I should get him to use that metal bar on you." Her body tensed up at the sound of Lewis' voice. She didn't hear his words; her mind was caught up in the memories of her old partner. Elliot Stabler. She wished she could have made good on her words and called him, but he had changed his number. She had tried so many times, punching the numbers in harder with each press. It didn't matter how hard she pressed or how many times she called. The phone was disconnected. He had gotten rid of her only connection to him once he left so easily, as easily as he did her. The fucker didn't even say goodbye._

"Olivia," Dr. Lindstrom said stealing Olivia from her thoughts.

Olivia opened her heavy eye lids. She felt the tears building and blinked her eyes in attempt to stop them.

"It's the same scene, playing over and over in my head. He's taunting me. I can't hear his words, I don't remember what he said exactly, but I remember how he made me feel."

"And how did he make you feel?" Dr. Lindstrom could read her so easily, the pain was radiating off her. He knew her words before she even said them.

"Abandoned, lost, lonely," The tears came with every word she spoke, "How I feel right now, this is low, this is bottom. I can't get back up from this." Olivia had never been so honest with Dr. Lindstrom,and she herself was taken aback by her confession.

Dr. Lindstrom took a deep breath, thinking of his next words very carefully. But before the words could reach his mouth, Olivia's phone rang.

Olivia sighed before answering her phone.

It was Nick, informing her that the current case they were working on had gone south. She didn't want to leave, but she didn't have a choice. Their rape victim had recanted and her and Nick had already spent so much time investing their case around her admission.

"I have to go." Olivia said softly. She stood from her chair. She used her phone screen as a mirror and fixed her eyeliner, wiping away the light black lines that ran down her face.

"Olivia, I want to see you again sometime this week."

Olivia smiled weakly and nodded.

The drive gave Olivia too much time to think and before she even realized thoughts of Lewis came infecting her mind like an intolerable virus. She wanted to keep driving. She had promised Nick she would meet him at the precinct and she wanted to keep good on her word. She passed three liquor stores before the urge overcame her.

She hated herself for doing it.

For walking into Warehouse Wines & Spirits and buying a bottle of Burnett's strawberry vodka. She hated herself even more when she mixed the vodka with orange juice and walked casually into the precinct, hoping the smell of vodka wasn't falling off her breath.


End file.
